ahh..

i jus wanna sae, it's my fault. I'm so sori roxi, enoch and whoever else tt was not involved tt became involved.. i'm so sorri.. i hate myself, i hate him.. i realli do.. but the hatred comes in short bursts and goes away again.. and i cant stop myself from hoping that i can ever be a friend again.. I cant. i have no idea why, but i cant. There's a thin line between faith and denial.. tell me, then, am i holding on because of faith? I pray and pray.. and time passes.. wounds are healed.. BUT EVERYTIME HE SAYS THE WOUND TEARS OPEN AGAIN.. I BLEED, I CRY. NO.. TEARS DON'T COME ANYMORE AS I BLEED INWARDLY, PAIN ALL OVER MY HEART.
I cant hope for i'll crash.. but i hope.. i cant be happi for i'll be sad.. but i'm happi.. i see the anger, the frustration.. through the happiness i see, are you realli happi? i made a mistake, and it's unbelievable how angry i am at myself.. can you even imagine underneath the covers, the tears i shed for you? it's no use crying, i say to myself.. but i cry.. i'm not strong enough to hide from myself..
you're on the back of my mind almost every dae.. i dun wanna have hopes anymore.. but i cant stop myself from thinking it it is possible.. what's the point?
ahh.. i'm going crazy.. but this is one wish that i'll keep..

Thank God!

Haha.. been reading my past posts and i realli thank God that He had answered my prayer.. cause last year in one of my post i said that i was veri sad that the three muskateers haf drifted apart.. and i reali wan to bind back together again.. and guess wat? i dunno since when, but i know that now our feelings are so close! much closer than before! wow.. reali thank God! ^^
Hope that our feelings would always be like that, yah? haha.. cause i dunno where else can i find such wonderful and understanding friends.. opps.. no.. i meant grapitween and grapemmumi.. haha.. wow.. now we're even like a family! yea!
Prelims coming real soon.. reading my previous posts, there were a few that said that exams coming real soon.. rite now, o lvl is coming real soon.. i realli pray that everyone would work hard and jia you for the exams! Haha.. yep roxi, let's jia you for our phy! we can do it! roxi.. you haf the potential, work harder and you're reach your level! haha.. mich.. you haf the potential too.. you are alreadi so good! haha.. have more confidence in yourself! haha..
hmm.. prelims coming soon, so i realli wanna boost everyone up.. get everyone geared up to take the exams head on! by the way.. once holiday start we haf a study grp can? cause.. haha.. u guys know mi.. i'm not exactly someone who knows how to do everything.. so.. study grp can benefit mi better.. MUA HAAHAHHA.. okie.. sorri.. i'm mad.. heh heh.. =)
oki.. once again it's time for Matthew Andrews, being a happi teenager.. haha..
Mani ppl choke when they are faced with a serious problem.. they get too stressed and too nervous.. esp for exams.. one method to study better is... clear your room! it's much easier to absorb things in a neat and tidy spacious room than a cluttered room.. so, yep. haha.. *hmm... my room.. ahh.. still acceptable.. haha*
okie.. another way to relax is to play videos of yourself in your head.. why? cause when you imagine yourself doing sth (for eg talking on stage) your body would go through the same feelings that it will have on the actual thing.. so guys! imagine yourself doing the test papers and being able to fill in all the blanks! then you can realli do it.. of course you haf to study too.. haha..
oki.. that was the end.. if i find anymore helpful things i'll surely tell you guys! haha.. let's see.. wat else do i wanna sae?
hmm.. i feel like composing now.. i'm going to go over to songs of other lands and try to write sth.. haha.. be happi always and JIA YOU! ^^

why are we crazy?

was reading roxi's blog.. yepz.. found it veri in point.. haha.. as in, veri meaningful..
guess why i wanted to be a more stable person cause.. well.. haha.. i dunno.. i tink tt by being so childish and wanting play all the time makes mi seem like a veri irresponsible person and i do tink tt mani ppl view mi as tt.. a person unable to take up chores or give ideas tt can actualli help.. ah well.. haha.. even if i do change how i act, my inner self would still b like tt.. then, why change? haha
if by mi being myself, i can be the one who gives ppl happiness i guess.. and if i had said it once, i had said it a thousand times.. i wan to give happiness to ppl.. though lately havent been able to do that, well.. i guess i'm still trying not hard enuff then..
*tmr inuyasha! every wed to fri 11 - 1130! ahh! central*
by saying lame things can i bring laughter? can i help light up a gloomy day by being positive all the time to the extreme? can i spread the laughter by laughing in a funni way myself? haha.. hopefully.. but how long can i sustain? i dunno.. as long as i can.. is it possible to motivate myself all the time like that? sometimes it's tiring.. especially with my competitive attitude that don't allow mi to lose out.. haha.. well, i tink i did gd todae.. oki rox i admit tt i was a little sad cause i gt lower then you.. THERE! i said it! haha.. but don't worrie.. cause i onli had tt thought for a few secs b4 i went :"the opponent is myself" haha.. so i guess i'm curing myself of this almost incurable disease.. trying hard.. haha..
ahh.. prelims coming and am i studying? yea.. i guess.. nxt wk haf a lot of breaks i can study a lot! yea! haha.. i guess like rox, i also haf high expectations of myself.. rox cannot accept a failure for english.. likewise i cannot accept a failure for lit.. haha.. but, i tink for both of us, that has to change.. not onli us, others too.. the most formiable opponent is ourselves.. to win would be an increase in results.. but at the end, don't give urself too much pressure and things would be good! ^^
From a book called, being a happi teenager by matthew andrews, he said, positive ppl attracts positive ppl, while negative ppl attracts negative ppl.. your friends are a mirror of what u are.. *means i'm crazy and so are my friends! =P* so, while u are complaining of the environment, that no one understands u, maybe u dun understand the ppl arnd u too.. ahha.. okie this was out of point, wat i wanted to say frm the book is an example he gave..
Imagine you are out the door and u just closed it. The phone started to ring.. suddenly you cant find your key! you search through your entire bag but it has magically disappeared! when you finally found the keys, you search through the chain to find that you haf lost the key to the door! When you had the key in your hand, the door hole shrinks while the key size expands.. what is going on?! Finally the door opens.. guess what? haha.. the phone stops ringing..
Relax.. this is the story tt i always haf in my mind.. whenever i face something realli realli important and i am stressed, i tink of this story and i make myself relax, so everything would go smoothly.. then, think on the positive side of things and so there would be a positive aura around you.. things would be oki! haha.. yepz..
hmm.. and to get a positive aura, have to be happi.. haha.. and that's why children seems to never get into trouble.. they haf such a pure heart that they automatically imagines that the world would rotate arnd them.. although we know that's not true.. but we can still sustain the happi go luckiness that the kids haf! haha.. and that's why we're crazy... hahaha.. because we're too old to be named childish! haha..

todae..

haha.. cant believe that i wrote such depressing things.. well, i think i sort of regained my normal mood.. sort of.. haha.. but a bit sick in the body.. ahh.. pain.. well.. besides that i'm okay.. haha.. at least i can laugh now..
by the way.. my a maths teacher rocks.. ahha.. he realli teachs things veri clearly and covers a lot of things as he goes through question.. yay.. my a maths is saved!! haha..

Living my life

My appearance shines without rubbing
But do you know
my heart was dull and cold
My appearance brings about laughter
But do you know
my heart was crying
I thought i could be strong
I thought i could pull through
I thought my life was my own
And i could decide my path
Could choose my road
Now i know
That the pain within me
Have slowly eaten away my heart
Slowly, slowly i am no longer able
Able to create the happiness that i had
I believe that i can bring it back
I just need time
But between denial and faith is a thin line
I know my line
Help me.

Living my life

Hey.. i just wanna say here, that i'm sorri.. yepz.. sorri for all the things that i've done to ppl, i tink most of all mich.. because.. i now have a problem with myself i know it's wrong. i guess you could call it a spiritual problem.. don't worry, i just need time to get over it.. but before that, i wanna say sorri for all that i have done that were not pleasing.. forgive mi..

wat goes arnd comes arnd

What do i wanna say today? i actually don't really know.. haha.. but i wanna blog so i guess i'll just say sth.. haha..
hmm.. i think i was overly crazy todae.. cause i went nuts, literally nuts and did a whole lot of dumb things.. just to entertain myself.. haha.. don't worry cause i wont ever do these things again.. cause i realized that i haf grown up, shuldn't be so childish.. haha..
yea.. haha.. whn ppl grow up, being young at heart doesnt mean doing such silly things and saying nonsense i guess.. it means to bring a sort of pure happiness to others and to enjoy it ourselves.. so, i haf decided that i shall be more stable as in more calm in matters, no more the shrill AHHH and crazy actions.. * i haf just corographed a victory dance!* yepz, i shall think before i speak lest i harm others with my words.. haha.. wat for make everyone happi but in the end still end up offending others?
i tink if ppl wuld do nice things to others, give praise to others when it's due, the world wuld such a nice place! wat's goes around comes around.. though human nature obstructs us frm giving praises when it's due, it's veri veri veri possible to break thru the awkwardness.. it just takes a few person to start the circle.. and me, i'm trying to start the habit of being nice to others, but these few days i've been too distracted by my own crazyness.. haha.. i shall try harder! ^^

Happiness

Happiness is not to get what u wan, it's to be wat u wan.. yepz.. i tink it's not hard to be happi, just that ppl do not wan to let go of burdens that they do not have to carry.. haha.. imagine this:
tom walks up a rocky road.. he keeps tripping over stones and everytime he trips, he angrily picks up the stone and put it into a satchet on his back.. before long his satchet is full and tom is still angry because he knows all the stones that had injured him are on his back. And he might even just sit down and mop.
But, if he just throws all the stones away, and dont hang on to them, before long he would forget about the injuries, for injuries will heal. And he would arrive at his destination, a stronger person than before because he was trained by his wounds and he had won over them.
Happiness is a habit, not something that others can give. i mean, at least that's what i feel. but sometimes, it's hard to be happi. so wat to do?
haha.. i have absolutely no idea.. for mi, i just try to be cheerful as much as i can.. cause happiness is contagious. It's hard to be sad when u're standing in a circle of people laughing crazily is it? haha.. i want to always be the one that is laughing..
btw, i am so happi that i got that a1 for chinese o level.. but i guess that's cause i had studied so hard for it.. if i had just got it by luck, i guess my happiness would have been that i did not fail.. haha..
so, i hope that my happiness can always be spreading.. and i tink that's the onli thing i know i can do for the people arnd mi! haha..
Smile always for u never know who is falling in love with your smile! =)